Trick-or-treating Strategy for Winners

WARNING: Non-computer post.

Because nerdiness pays the bills, except when it doesn't.

Halloween is Friday! I love Halloween. I'm still a kid at heart, and love the dress-up, the jack-o-lanterns; all the pomp and circumstance is so much fun. Plus, it's the only holiday where I can put on a Spider-man costume and run around the neighborhood without having the cops called on me.

My kids are the perfect age for trick-or-treating. They look adorable in costumes, yet are old enough to carry their own loot bags and walk at a normal-sized human pace. Also, no strollers is a big deal. So, at seven and nine years old, we have a perfect trick-or-treating strategy for optimal candy-per-child ratio. 

1. Be very cute, very creative, or very scary – The costume is the biggest part. And don't just slap on some face paint and a black sweater and call it a day. Candy-givers *do* play favoritism, and if you're the cutest, most creative, or most scary, they're more likely to hand you an extra piece of candy. I know this, because I've done the research.

2. Go retro – This goes hand-in-hand with the previous point. The people who are handing out candy are my age or older. So, if you dress as something that appeals to them (ALF, Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony, etc), you'll activate that nostalgic part of their brain that'll make them want to give you more candy. It's all psychological at that point.

3. Leave the cute plastic pumpkin bucket at home – Plastic pumpkin will hold approximately 16 oz of candy at the most. It's a pain to constantly dump that thing out. Grab your best pillowcase or reusable shopping bag for optimal candy-hoarding.

COROLLARY: If you're using your vehicle as "home base" between blocks, take the plastic pumpkin and dump it into a sack between blocks. This will make people think you don't have a lot of candy when you show up to their front door with a half-filled pumpkin. They'll take pity on you and give you more candy than normal. 

4. Map out your trick-or-treating – Logistics is important, folks. If it had not been for logistics, America may not have won the Civil War. And that's a fact. Also, Google Maps is a thing. Use that to map out your route. If you live in cookie-cutter square blocks, it's easiest to zig-zag by walking up one side, down the other, and go on to the next block, hitting the houses on the side streets. 

5. Wear sneakers – Sure, you may be tempted to wear the heels or pirate boots to complete your costume, but sneakers are your best bet for moving fast.

6. Hem, hem, hem – You may look frightful in that grim reaper costume, but if the rope is dragging near your feet, it'll slow you down. Hem that sucker up. You'll be happy when you don't trip on the sidewalk.

7. Don’t go out too early – If you’re one of the first kids out in the neighborhood, homeowners will be rationing out the candy, only giving you one Tootsie Roll to make sure there’s enough for later trick-or-treaters. 6:00-6:30pm is the optimal starting time. 

8. Ignore the houses with no lights or disappointed children – Lights out means they’re not home or don’t want to be bothered. Others may leave the light on, but won’t answer the door. Most of these houses are void of Halloween decorations. You can usually tell there’s a dud house when the group of trick-or-treaters before you leaves mumbling.

9. The more decorated the house, the better the candy – Some folks absolutely love Halloween. Scout out your neighborhood a few days before the night of and mentally note the ones that have a lot of decorations up. They'll be your best bet for the most candy-per-house. 

12. Be patient – Don’t be so quick to run to the front of the group and be the first to say “Trick or treat!” If you’re the last person in the group, sometimes the candy giver will slip you an extra piece of candy or two for being patient.

13. Stay in 2's – Stay in packs of two. Why? Because a whole herd of kids will invariably kick in the "one for you, one for you" rationing mentality of the candy-giver. Stay in packs of two so you don't overload them. They'll be more likely to give you a few pieces per handout. Again, science!

14. Don’t forget your immediate neighbors – They love seeing the neighborhood kids they know (unless you give them a reason not to like you), and will give you more candy.

15. Don’t trick-or-treat too late – If you’re knocking on someone’s door at 11 pm, they’re bound to be angry. No candy for you. Start winding down between 8:30 and 9:00. This is usually when people start giving out handfuls of candy, since they don’t want the calorie-laden temptations in their houses on November 1.

And lastly...

16. Remember to say thank you!

Here is the crappy candy list. Don't hand this stuff out, folks. It's not good for the environment.

– Apples
– Pencils
– Toothbrushes
– Sticky candies that get caught in your teeth (some are great, some are meh, like Dots, some are flat-out miserable)
– Candy corn. Don’t get me wrong, I love ‘em, but something is just weak about handing out factory-sealed plastic baggies of them. Leave them in the office treat bowl. If you’re giving out tiny candies, try Nerds or Reese’s Pieces. Not these sugary sweets that just end up making your sugar hangover 10 times worse.
– A single caramel cube. CARAMEL CUBES MUST BE JUST AN ADDON TO ANOTHER CARAMEL CUBE OR CANDY. If you give me just one, I’ll take it because they’re ridiculously tasty. But you’re going to wake up and there’ll be a tiny gourd missing from your porch, and an electric tea candle from your flashy pumpkin lawn display.
– Raisins. RAISINS?!